Growing Up

Sometimes I look at my boys and I wonder who is supposed to be doing the growing up around here?  They are in the throws of learning what they want, what they need, what they like, what they don’t like and how to express those wants, needs, likes and dislikes.  They are learning how to interact with other people, what is “polite” in our culture and what is not (like, oh, say, peeing in the sandbox at the park), not to mention all the physical feats like running, jumping, skipping, climbing, brushing their teeth, their hair and on and on and on.   They’ve really got a lot going on when you think about it.

But I often feel like I have a lot of growing up to do as well.  Before I had kids I sort of thought I had my act together.  You know, I was basically an ok person.   I didn’t have anger issues or problems with patience.  I was (mostly) emotionally healthy and life seemed relatively uncomplicated.  But now?   Sheesh, the learning curve sure is steep with this parenting thing.   It has challenged me in so many ways and I’m constantly asking myself, Am I being the person I want to be?  Am I becoming the person I want to become?  Am I doing right by these little guys?  Honestly, some days it’s a toss up.   But even with all the challenges and the daily (hourly?) realization that I’ve still got so much growing up to do, these two boys bring me joy unending and I’m sure happy to be along for the ride as Gryffin and Isaiah become the people they are going to become.

I’m thinking about Gryffin a lot this week.  He is turning 4 on Friday and I’m once again feeling nostalgic and emotional on the eve of his birthday.  I often hear people talk about how fast it all goes.   And it seems so incredibly cliche to say that these years have flown by.  But there’s a reason people always say it.  They say it because it’s true.  It’s stunning how fast it all goes.  I think that our days, our lives always pass this quickly but with children you really see how quickly it goes.  I look at myself in the mirror day after day and things seem so… the same.  I see pictures of myself from 4 years ago and minus a couple wrinkles, I look pretty much the same.  But looking at my children?  Looking at a picture of Gryffin from just 6 months ago and I’m startled by the difference.  Kids give us a visual sense of the speed of life and it’s sort of staggering sometimes.

We had quite a rough spot with the G-man earlier this year (up until about 3 weeks ago) but we seem to be emerging on the other side and we’ve been delighting in him in new and different ways lately.  Not only is he doing better with expressing his feelings and emotions but kid is quite chatty these days.  To quote Rachel Lind from Anne of Green Gables, the kid could talk the hind leg off a mule.   Come on over for a visit and you won’t have made it through the door before he’s asked you where your car is parked, what color it is, where you are planning to sleep tonight, if you think you’ll make it home before dark, if you like pumas and wolves, if you’re nervous about spiders and if you’d maybe like to come on vacation with us sometime.   I am fascinated by the conversations we’re having lately (on the way home in the car this morning we discussed turbulence and beavers) and only every now and again do I feel the need to say SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Please for the love of all that is sacred in the world…, shhh!  Mostly it’s pretty great.

He’s also been getting a tad more independent.  He has a couple of neighborhood friends that come by sometimes to play and he’s been over to one friend’s house without me.  My sister told me once, way back when Gryff was still a newborn, that almost every milestone with your kids is happy and sad in nearly equal measure.  I like seeing Gryffin interact with other kids, his vulnerability is gut-wrenching and beautiful, and he’s so unbearably excited to have friends.  But… it’s hard to let him go, to let him play at a friend’s house without me, to say yes when he requests to ride around the pond in the opposite direction as me so we can meet in the middle.  I can see all the way around the little pond outside our house but still.   There’s this one spot where the bushes obscure my view for just a fraction of a second but my heart beats wildly in that millisecond, waiting to see him emerge safe on the other side.   I find parenting very strange in this way.  It’s the only relationship I have in my life where the person is supposed to separate from me.  Where it’s healthy and good for us to grow further apart in some aspects instead of closer together.   And sometimes I want to fight so hard against it.   To throw my own tantrum.  To refuse to allow this separation, to spare myself the anguish of it all.  But I know that I would be more anguished still should my boys not grow in this way.   Like I said, we’re both growing up.

Evidence of the speed of life…

Gryffin, 3 days old.  I remember this day so vividly.  I just couldn’t believe he was finally here.  Still seemed surreal.

Four months old.  I remember taking this picture and thinking he looked good in the hat because he was still completely bald.

Fall 2009 on a walk through the Kubota Gardens.  I was 4 months pregnant with Isaiah.

Summer 2010 on a short vacation to Mission Lake with the Schnells

Spring 2011.  First day in the sandbox Jason built.

Late last Fall.  Helping Jason in the garden a few months before we moved.

Summer 2012 @ Lincoln Park.   I think this is how I’ll always remember him from this summer.  It really captures the essence of him of late
(minus the screaming, of course – selective memory, folks, selective memory).
Happy birthday, Snacks.   I’m so excited to see you swing into yet another year.