parenting 101

Whew.  This week has been a bit of a doozy.  Let’s look back…

• Amongst some other stresses, Gryffin fell hard and busted his lip open on Sunday with copious blood and a very swollen lip.  Right before bedtime.
• Then, on Tuesday, he somehow stuck his wet finger into a light socket (or possibly put in one of my bobby pins with a wet finger — in all the chaotic aftermath it was unclear) and got a pretty serious zing!   It completely freaked dude out and was the most we’ve seen him cry in a long time.
• Then I got a call on Wednesday to come pick Isaiah up from preschool because he had a toe cramp.   To which I responded, “Ummmmm, what?”  I mean, a toe cramp?  For reals?  It’s so bad I have to come pick him up?   By the time I got there it was a thing of the past but he seemed pretty sad so we headed for home.
• Later that night, around 12:30am we awoke to a blood curdling scream from the boys room.  Jason and I both raced in, hearts pounding, to find Isaiah all wild-eyed and out of it.  Fever of 103.8.  Nice.  A lot of lethargic lying around, much crying, and one “just to be safe” trip the doctor.
• Two rough nights and we seem to be out of the woods with Isaiah.   But this morning, kid fell down the stairs, caught mid-way by Jason’s incredible stunt work.  And an hour later I got to witness the toe cramp myself when we had a repeat episode.  Kid cried for 20 minutes over that dang toe.   After some ice, much rubbing and ibuprofen, he finally simmered down.

I’m tentatively taking a deep breath and assuring myself that things can only look up from here.  Right?  I mean, I usually like to save weeks like this for when I’m on vacation in Santa Barbara.   In reality, none of it was really that huge or traumatic.  But added up it made for a mildly stressful week.   It’s just the way it goes with kids sometimes.  The drama, the angst, the worry, the fretting, the “should I call the doctor”ing, the middle-of-the-night concerns that seem like no big deal in the light of the morning.

I read this blog post (pardon some of the language) a couple days ago and had a good laugh about it with some friends, in the “it’s funny because it’s true” kind of way.   And I’ve had several conversations with friends and clients lately about the stresses of parenting.  How we aren’t set up especially well as a culture to raise kids.   How in addition to all the stress and worry, there’s also a whole lot of lofty ideals and high expectations.  How parenting, more often than not, feels like one slice of humble pie after another.

One friend’s comment stuck with me.  She said parenting is just so stinking tough.  So much harder than she expected and it’s hard to know what is important and what needs to be let go.  True, no?    On top of all the inherent worrying that apparently comes with the job, when we look at all the options out there, how do we know what hills to die on, what things are genuinely important and what things aren’t, and when to just suck it up, eat our humble pie, and move on?

I certainly don’t have it all figured out.  Not by a long shot.  Several years ago, I heard Gary Haugen, president & CEO of International Justice Mission, speak at a retreat and he was incredible (so is IJM, btw).  I hope I’m remembering this right but as I recall, he said he used this rubric for making a lot of his decisions in life and I’ve been using as my own ever since.   Whether I’m deciding about where to send the boys to preschool, how many clients I should take a month, how we should do our “bedtime routine,” with the fellas, if I should continue to lead the women’s group on Thursday mornings, you name it, I ask myself these two questions…

1. Is it joyful?
2. Is it sustainable?

Now, obviously not everything is going to meet both criteria.  Not everything is going to be joyful.  Changing 87 diapers a day, for one.  It just isn’t.  But by and large, it works pretty well as a standard for decision-making.

Take sleeping.  I like having the boys sleep in our bed.  I really do.  It’s definitely joyful and I enjoy being all cozied up with them under the blankets.  There is just nothing like it.  But it’s not sustainable.  Not for us.  I have some back issues (understatement), I’m an unbelievably light sleeper, and the boys don’t actually sleep all that much when they are in our bed (minor detail).     Toss it.

Or gift-giving @ Christmas.    I decided this year that I wanted to make at least 75% of all the gifts we gave.  Making things and being creative is something that I find immensely joyful.  And it’s sustainable, so long as I get an early start.   Keep it.  

I made all of Gryffin’s baby food back in the day.  Steamed and smashed and pureed with the best of ’em.  But when Isaiah entered the scene WAY sooner than we anticipated having a second child, I just couldn’t keep it up.  It was no longer a fun endeavor, there were plenty of good alternative options, and there was no way I could sustain it with an 18-month-old and a newborn.   Tossed it.   

You get the idea.   It works in so many ways and has helped me make sense of things when I feel overwhelmed by all the options out there, all the “good” choices that we can be making.  Serving on this or that committee, making my own mozzarella cheese, sewing all of my own clothes, taking violin lessons (someday!), and organizing 10 years worth of photos are all good things.  But they probably wouldn’t all be joyful at this time in my life.  Or sustainable.  Maybe someday they will be but they aren’t right now and no biggie.  I’ll figure out what is and what isn’t and then roll with the punches.

How do the rest of you decide what is important?  And what to let go?  Got any insight to share?

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