“I’m a writer.”

It’s New Year’s Day today.  Jason’s out on a bike ride and I’m sitting by the fire, listening to the boys play upstairs.  I’m thinking about possible resolutions and some of my hopes for the upcoming year.  The main thing weighing on my mind is my work.  Although I have two clients already lined up for the new year, I’ve long since turned off my Google Ads and my drive and motivation for my work as a birth doula continues to wane.   My last clients were in September and I’ve enjoyed a much-needed three month hiatus from being on-call and pulling those epic all-nighters.

I thought after three months off, I would either (a) be raring to get back to work or (b) have figured out what I’d like to do instead.   But neither of those things have happened.  I’m not eager to get back to work and I can’t believe that I’m really thinking about throwing in the towel.  I greatly enjoy my work while I’m working at a birth.   That’s the part that is hardest to give up.  I’ve learned more than I ever thought I would and I don’t relish the thought of giving it up.   But as much as I enjoy the work while I’m in the thick of it, counting through contractions and rocking that double-hip hold, I’m weary of constantly being on-call and attending appointments on nights and weekends.

2013 was probably the absolute apex of my career as a doula (if such a thing exists for a birth doula).  I “doula-ed” for some of our closest, dearest friends this year and I was overjoyed and honored to be invited into that most sacred of spaces with them.   And although I’m moving on I hope that I am always a birth doula.  Always available for friends and family who would like someone to walk that road with them.  I hope that I’ve always got someone on my calendar, that I’m always eagerly waiting for someone’s day of days, even if those days are fewer and farther between than they once were.

So what’s next?  I really thought I would have a stronger sense of direction by this point.  I looked into various job options that might be kind of similar to being a birth doula and all sorts of other job and volunteer opportunities but the one that has been resonating and resounding more and more within me is to pursue writing.  The problem is that I don’t really know what that would look like.  I’ve submitted a couple pieces for publication (both denied) and I applied for a freelance blogging position (still no word on that) but other than that, I’m not really sure where I’d like to go with it.    Do I want to extend my blogging?  Try my hand at more journalistic pieces?  Write a weekly column?   I feel like I need something to focus on but… what?

Jason and I chatted about it (again) last night and he suggested that I disregard my desire for a focus, per se, and just write.  Make myself a schedule of sorts, a system for writing on a regular basis and just do it.   It sounds a little open-ended and nebulous for someone like me but I’m tentatively thinking about giving it a go.    In Bird by Bird Anne Lamott says essentially the same thing.  You need to get in a rhythm for regular writing (daily, if possible) and JUST. WRITE.   I’m thinking I’ll give it six months and then see what’s what.

Do you know what I dread most about this?  Not failure.  Probably because I don’t actually know what exactly I’m going to be doing?!   I mostly dread the next time someone asks me, “What do YOU do?”  And I won’t be able to say, “I’m a birth doula.”  That response always gave me some “street cred” in Seattle and I felt proud of my career and my hard work to start my own business.    I guess I can still say it for a few more months but what do I say after that final baby arrives in March?

Do I say that I’m a writer?   Do I just say that I’m a mom (I know, I know, I’m not just a mom but that’s another post for another day)?  Do I wait until (hopefully) I’ve published something?   And does it even matter?   I know that it doesn’t.  But I dread the day nonetheless.  It feels vulnerable and more than a little lame.  I guess I’ll have to work on being ok just being me.  That will have to do for now.  And like I said, I’m hoping that I’ll still be doula-ing for friends and family for many years yet so I can always fall back on that if my pride gets the best of me!

In the meantime, if you have any brilliant ideas for my writing, do tell!