What will you be missing?

When I was still waffling between whether or not to give up doula-ing for an indefinite hiatus in order to pursue writing, there was one conversation in particular that stands out for me.  Jason and I had been discussing it ad nauseum for weeks on end, it seemed, when he finally asked me just the right question.

“What will you miss out on?   If you take a break from being a doula, what do you worry about missing the most?   Will you miss out on some special birth experiences?  Will you miss out on some great conversations in the birthing community?  Some educational experiences?  What is it that you will miss?

And the answer was: nothing.  I’m not worried about missing anything.

I’m not worried about missing out on any educational experiences since those would still be available to me should I choose to avail myself of them.  I’m not worried about losing connection with the birth community here in Seattle.  With Facebook groups and the local chapters of birth professionals, I’d have to make a concerted effort to disengage myself entirely and I’d prefer to just fade into the background for a bit.  I won’t miss being on call 24/7 for weeks on end.  I won’t miss getting the “it’s go time” call at 3am when I’ve already been up half the night with a sick kid or during my birthday dinner or a Mother’s Day Brunch.

The only thing that gave me a moment’s pause was thinking about missing out on the births of close friends or family.   Attending the birth of a near-stranger is an honor and a privilege in its own right.  But attending the birth of a friend; having someone invite me into that most sacred of spaces means more to me than I could possibly express here and I do worry about missing the opportunity to do that again.

^ This is one of my best friends and I was there at this very moment. I took the picture, actually, and it brings tears to my eyes to recollect the intensity and the rapture of that moment in time. I never thought I would have the chance to bear witness to something like this in my life, in my work, and to say that I would miss it would be a vast understatement.

So I’ve purposely left that door open and would gladly step back into my doula shoes at a moment’s notice for a friend.  I sure hope I get the chance.

Once I considered what I would be missing by trying something different, though, the answer came easily and without hesitation.  Since I wouldn’t be missing out on anything, why not give it a shot?    What harm could possibly come from giving it the ol’ college try? Now, here I sit, one month into my new daily routine of writing/blogging and I feel at ease in this new space and I’m eager to see it through the year.

I liked Jason’s question so much that I’ve started applying it to other situations and scenarios in my day-to-day life as well.   One part of this daily time on the computer is that I’m finding it harder and harder to shut it out when I’m not actively blogging or writing.  It’s easy to stay online long after I’m finished or to compulsively check FB and email throughout the afternoon.

So I have been trying to get online only with intentionality this week and I find that Jason’s question helps.    Before I turn on my phone, I ask myself what I will be missing if I don’t check it.  What email might I be missing?  What FB status updates are so pressing?  Again, the answer is: nothing.

I read Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman in college and although it was primarily about television, I see similarities to computers and smart phones as well.  Postman catalogued several pitfalls of watching so much television and I think most of them could also be applied to our unmitigated over-saturation with technology today.   I remember that in the end, although he offered several suggestions, Postman was not terribly optimistic about reversing said saturation because culture does not tend to turn against its technologies.   But he did suggest that we become aware of what television is, of its inherent biases, so that we can control it rather than let it control us.

I think that one of the inherent biases with the internet is the feeling it gives us, its users, that everything is urgent.  Everything is happening RIGHT NOW.   People are ALWAYS updating Facebook and Twitter and Instragram and new emails come in at all hours of the day.  There’s always a chance that something interesting might have popped up since I last checked my phone 6 minutes ago.  But the reality, at least for me, is that something truly interesting rarely shows up in my inbox.  Almost never, actually, unless you count New Arrivals This Week at Old Navy and 10% off THIS WEEKEND ONLY at West Elm.  And at least 99.9% of the status updates in my feed can be read any old time because things are rarely, if ever, urgent on Facebook.

Then I flip the question around and ask instead, “what will I be missing if I DO check my phone right now?” and the answers are endless.  I might miss seeing Gryffin help Isaiah with his legos.  I might miss the one chance I’ll get today to call my mom.  I might miss the only quiet moment to sit and be still this afternoon.   I might miss the opportunity to sing with my boys, to sit silently in prayer or in contemplation, to see the heron take flight outside my bedroom window.  I stand to lose so much in order to gain so little.

I’ve struggled with this and even blogged about it before but it seems to be a near constant and ongoing battle.   I don’t like the panicky feeling I get when I accidentally leave my phone at home and I don’t like fighting the near constant urge to check social media and email round the clock.  That’s a sure sign that my technology is controlling me rather than the other way around.  And since I’m unlikely to turn my back on it anytime soon or give it up altogether, I’m always on the lookout for new ways to engage with and use technology in order to maintain even a modicum of control.

Tell me: do you struggle as I do?  What have you found that helps frame the way you think about and use technology?  I’d love to hear some other ideas.