Getting dressed

Remember when I told you about getting my kids dressed?  Well, it has occurred to me that it’s almost as difficult to get myself dressed.  At least compared to Jason.  A couple months ago, I announced that I was going to make myself a capsule wardrobe and that I was DONE with clothes that felt uncomfortable.  You already know how Jason responded to the capsule idea but my declaration regarding the comfort of my clothes completely confused him.

Jason: “I don’t understand.  What do you mean, ‘uncomfortable?'”
Me: “Oh, you know.  Like when your shirt is too tight across your rib cage…or when it’s hard to breathe in certain pairs of pants…”

Insert Jason staring blankly.

Me: “You don’t have any clothes that are uncomfortable?”
Jason considers this.  And then just shrugs and says, “nope.”
Me: “Nothing?  You don’t own any clothes that are too tight or too itchy or…or…?  Really?  NOTHING?
Jason: You do?

Insert me walking away.

Then a few days ago I was folding laundry and I was reminded of that earlier conversation.  For Jason, here’s what I folded:  Two pairs of pants.  7 shirts.  7 pairs of underwear.  7 pairs of socks.  There was also a hoodie and a few other odds and ends.  But that was it.  Very straightforward.  Very simple.  And I thought, man, this guy has it MADE.  It’s all so easy.  His clothes really are ALL comfortable.  Jerk.

Here’s what it looks like getting myself dressed on a typical day…

• First I peer into my underwear drawer.  I consider my options and I deliberate over whether or not I should wear my more fancy, uh, “delicates” or stick with my tried and true briefs from Target.  It takes all of two seconds to decide on the briefs.  They aren’t flashy and next to a pair from, say, Victoria’s Secret, you might as well write “granny panties” on them in a sharpie but they do the job and they don’t ride up. It’s a win for the briefs 6.9 days out of 7.
• Next I look over my bra options.  The pressure is mounting.  Do I match my bra to my underwear?  The memory of shame from the 9th grade locker room usually prevails and I at least attempt to do the matchy-matchy.  It’s hard with flabby ol’ granny panties but I do my best.
• Now, time for the actual outfit.  I like to think about my pants first.  What kind of a mood am I in?   Do I feel like squeezing into my skinny jeans?  They have some spandex in them so they aren’t too bad and they give the impression that I’m  at least making an effort.  But they ride REALLY low so I’ll have to pull them up all.day.long over the ever-present baby pooch.  Jason and I affectionately refer to said pooch as “the puppy” (a la Anne Lamott) because it curls up next to me when I’m lying down.
• Nah, not in the mood.  Skip the skinny jeans.  I could go for my straight leg black pants.  Those are a little more forgiving on my belly and I’m totally able to breathe in them but I only have one clean shirt for the black pants.  It’s cute but it’s a little too tight on my upper arms and I spend the day in discomfort every time I have to bend my elbows.  It’s probably because I work out so much and my biceps are so big.
• Maybe it’s a day for yoga pants?   Well, come to think of it, I do have one pair of jeans that are pretty comfy and since I’ll probably see people this morning, I’ll go with the jeans for now.  I can change into yoga pants later.  You know, cause I might work out.
• Ok, jeans are ON.  Time to focus on what top to wear with my jeans.  My white sweater looks good with these jeans but it also tends to cling to some rather unfortunate areas.  I decide to put my spandex tanktop underneath the sweater.  I tell Jason myself that it’s for warmth in the winter but every woman out there would know that it’s for the slimming affect on my belly.  It’s not as comprehensive as something like spanx but that sucker keeps the puppy in LINE.  Yes, definitely a day for the spanx-ish tank top.  A few deep breathing exercises and it’s on.
• Sweater is on as well.
• Now to decide on my shoes.  The jeans are boot cut so that obviously means that boots are OUT.  Flats then. My new blue flats would be fun!  It’s raining but whatevs. They are really cute so it will be worth it if my feet get wet.
• Overall, not too shabby.  This only took about 17 minutes and all I’ve got left is picking out a jacket, a scarf, earrings, maybe a necklace and possibly a bracelet.

Just for fun, this morning I timed Jason getting dressed.  I sat perched in my bathrobe while he pulled on the first pair of underwear off the pile in his drawer.  Grabbed the jeans from where he’d left them on the floor the night before.  Deliberated over his shirts for at least four seconds before deciding.  Then pulled on a sweater for good measure and a pair of socks.  The entire process lasted 41 seconds.  Then he looked at me and said,  “well, I’m set!  You coming down?”

Oh yes, love. I’ll be RIGHT there.

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