Oily Hair and Frazzled Nerves

I don’t know what is going on with me.  I’m sort of embarrassed to admit it but… this kindergarten sitch has been hard for me, y’all!   I’ve had two nearly sleepless nights and I’ve felt generally anxious all week.  Then this morning, after tossing and turning yet again last night, I put oil that is meant for my skin into my hair.

Part of the problem is that I can’t quite pinpoint what I’m feeling.  Am I just sad?  Am I worried about something in particular?   Am I unsettled by all the change to our daily routine?

Yes.  The answer is yes to all of the above.

I’m sad.

Jason and I are both feeling that familiar tinge of melancholy that comes when your kid crosses over some sort of threshold.  They are usually crossing over to something new and exciting (walking or talking, say) and you are left to mourn what was left behind alone.  Why would Gryffin care that he used to sling his arm around my neck, just so, when he was a baby when there is an entire world to explore now that he can run and jump and dance?

It’s an inevitable part of this gig, I guess, and we’ve made it through many, many milestones in the past.  This just feels different somehow.  It marks the beginning of a more considerable cleaving and it hurts.

This morning, day 3, Gryffin asked eagerly if we had any fun plans for the day.  It took a full minute before it dawned on him that he wouldn’t be here today; that he had to go to school again.   When he realized it, he seemed sad and happy both.  Sad to miss out on a day with his brother but happy that he got to go to school.

And that’s how I feel.  I’m so happy that he likes school thus far.  What a relief.  I know that many parents can’t say the same and I’m grateful.  But I’m still sad.  And I’m trying to just leave it at that.

I’m worried.

This is such new territory that I can barely keep up with all of the things that I’m worried about!  I know that he is fine.  I do.  Promise.  But c’mon, preschool was a classroom of 12 kids with 2 teachers.  It was all in one big room and I pulled my car up right outside the door.

Now we’ve got 20+ kids, 1 teacher, the hallway that never ends, mohawk kid, lunchtime, recess, music class, technology time, assemblies and who knows what else.  I don’t know when he eats lunch or goes outside to play.  I don’t know who this music teacher is or where they do technology time.   I stood outside the wrong door yesterday at afternoon pickup and by the time I found Gryffin, he was crying.    Sheesh, what isn’t there to worry about?

I’m unsettled.

You all know that I like to be in control.   With this new school schedule, a new work situation for me, Isaiah going back to preschool on Monday meaning 2 drop offs and 2 pick ups a day, it’s bound to ruffle my feathers a little.  We’ll settle in here soon enough.  In the meantime, would you all please excuse my oily hair?  It looks like it’s gonna take a girl a few weeks to get things back on track!